Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Why I'm Not Mad at Black Men for Dating Outside Their Race

To each his own!

This week I've read a few random Facebook discussions, a feature in Essence Magazine's online newsletter, and listened to a friend praise her own current interracial dating experience, so the topic is on my mind.

Is it even "issue" enough to discuss anymore? "Single black women outnumber single black men"..."Most black men are babydaddys or incarcerated"..."Black women are too difficult"..."That's it! I'm only dating white men from now on!"..."A brother shouldn't bring any woman home that can't use his mama's comb"...if you've heard one comment, you've heard them all.

So what kind of hypocrite would I be to say that interracial dating bothers me, when I have very close female friends of ALL races. ALL who have dated black men at one point in time, if not currently. I'm sure a lot of you fall into the same category. If you can spend countless hours having numerous things in common with your non-black female friends....why can't he?

And where do you draw the line? Dating a white woman isn't OK...but dating an Asian/Indian/Latino woman is? Are there degrees of "black like-ness" that are more acceptable when a black man is dating a non-black woman? If you're bothered by the white woman, you should be bothered by all other variations of non-black as well...right?

It is what is it. No excuses necessary. For whatever reason, not every black man is going to want to date a black woman. Some actually prefer not to. Some do it un-intentionally: things just happen! Can I get mad at that? Nope!

How many times have your heard one of your black female friends proclaim that they are DONE with black men, once and for all? Do you get mad at her for declaring this? Or if one of your black female friends walked into a room with [insert attractive/intelligent non-black male here]...would you shun her?

There are many reasons why the majority of people prefer to date within their race. Cultural preserverance comes to mind. Comfort. Familiarity. Natural attraction. However, having grown up as first-generation Canadians where we have been exposed to every race imaginable from infancy...is it that odd that some people will naturally gravitate towards classmates, co-workers, and neighbours of another race...and that they might actually have a lot in common with them, through common CANADIAN experiences?

You can't help who you fall in love with, and you can't always explain or historically justify what turns you on, or what you are attracted to in a mate. All you can do is mind your business and let people date whoever makes them comfortable for whatever reason. If they do indeed have an identity crisis, self-hatred, or a family complex...that's for them to deal with on their own. No amount of cut-eye or kiss-teeth will change that.

I am not mad at black men for dating outside their race, because everyone has free will, and will deal with their choices/consequences accordingly.

As long as I know I am making the best decisions for ME and my own personal, cultural, and social well being...everyone else can do as they choose! Even the brothers who prefer to date outside of their race.

It doesn't make sense to waste time and energy getting mad about this "phenomenon." Take that same energy worrying about how to make yourself a better person, and how to make sure you have your own healthy relationships.

We all have our preferences: dark skin, light skin, thick, thin, foreign, local, Jamaican, Asian...and sometimes we can't even explain why we prefer one "type" to another...it just is what it is.

I know what I like...and I can't expect others to agree with my personal tastes. I think it's only fair that we have the same respect for others.

What emotions do these images evoke from you? Why?

11 comments:

  1. This is so funny! I was just at lunch with one of my business partners and he was telling me that he left his wife of ten years and moved into an apartment with a white woman! I was a bit shocked because he didn't seem like the type to date outside his race but at the same time he said his wife's attitude sucked and she would hold the panties up for ransom. The new white girl adores him and his you-know-what. I guess black men need a bit more reassurance and appreciation. At the same time, in my own personal life...I'm in an interracial relationship and loving this experience! I'm not mad at black men for dating white women. WHITE WOMEN CAN HAVE THEM!!!!

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  2. LOVE IT! NOTHING can be said after that...Marquise, lovely...just lovely!!

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  3. In Michael's words,"It don't matter if it's black or white!!"
    In Az's words, " I like em Brown,yellow,puerto rican or Haitian"
    (Big up my man Djimon Hounssou for sccoping em Kimora Lee)
    Oneness ah di Best

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  4. LJ said...
    To each her or his own,I think that their not a prob until they start to lose that self image of who they are.

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  5. Speaking from an Indian woman that has predominately only dated black men... Just to set the record straight, I don't prefer black men. I actually don't have a preference, I like those who like me. When I go out, an Indian man will pass me straight, because I'm not a typical "indian girl" does that mean I shouldn't date indians? No, it just means I'm not their type. Yes culturally wise it would make sense if I end up with an Indian man, but they don't go for me... what do you expect me to do? I also don't go out thinking i'm going to land me a black man... that's it that's all.. ahhh.. NOOOO... not at all. Race isn't a factor to me, all I care about, when I choose a mate, is that he respects and appreciates me as much as I do them. I also don't like to always hear.. "ohhh you're the indian princess I always wanted".. is that the reason you choose me over my black beautiful friends standing beside me? No thank you, I rather you choose me because you're attracted to me not because you feel that if you go Indian, you haven't quite gone white.

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  6. I'm black and I've dated both black and white women and enjoyed each experience. I am now married to the woman of my dreams - and she just happens to be white.

    It's interesting an though, my wife is the most like my mom of all the women I've dated. So at the end of the day, I believe it's all about who you connect with, who holds your heart and not what colour s/he is.

    I love sisters, don't get me wrong, but my vanilla blossom is the only lady for me.

    Peace and Love

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  7. Bless up. I am a Black male who has never dated a white woman. I can't say what is right or wrong from any other man's perspective, but I know what is right for me. I realise that my opinion may stand in the minority in this age, but I see Black women struggle with a myriad of socio-economic and cultural issues- one of which is the disappearing act of Black men in our communities. I love sistahs and won't leave them stranded. Who nuh wan dem, mi wi love dem. Our communities are suffering enough. Single mothers and sometimes fathers. We have to do better for our families' sake. One Love and Raspect.

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  8. I am white women who has been married to a black man for 17 years, having first dated men of many different races but not on purpose just by chance. I obviously don't see a problem with dating outside your race but do however have a problem with something that wasn't mentioned. People who pick a certain race because they think that race is better in bed, will treat them better or have less of an attitude, this is a miss perception by all means and is definetly stero typing a certain group of peoples. I try very hard to judge someone on there character that they show me not becaue of things I have heard about a certain group, I believe that most black women at least the ones I know and have talked to are most angry when women of another race prey on black men to get certain attributes they think are more dominant in black men, this is ignorant so if you fall into this catagory "quit being ignorant", if your looking for love and it happens to come in a package that doesn't match yours then great go for it, I did and it paid off big time. My husband jokingly states that he definetly didn't get less of an attitude by marrying a white woman vs. a black woman especially since he was raised in the south with that southern charm and I came from Detroit (you can imagine, northern attitude combined with Detroit) ha I guess the joke was on him but oh well we have put up with each other and grown together. I Love My Man regardless of what package he was wrapped up in and I pray that who ever marries my son will feel the exact same way about him regardless of what she looks like!!! Oh and by the way I can use his mom's comb I have thick hair and can use a little oil from time to time!

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  9. The black community unfortunately is facing a time of long time crisis.
    Many of our black men are incarcerated and in mental institutions.
    I believe that the Man should be the head of the family, the men the protectors of the extended family and collectively protect the community.
    Other communities are not experience the same level of trauma as the black community.
    I strongly beleive it takes a village to race a child. In times of crisis we should pull together. for me its sad when the few black men that are around failed to see the bigger picture or refuse to and explain away the desertion of their own. Some may be offended by my statement but the truth is some time offensive..
    To Kaya.. you have my respect.

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  10. Good article keep posting this type of articles..............

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  11. I want to thank you for posting this blog but I have mixed emotions about what has been expressed.
    There's absolutely nothing wrong with dating outside your race. As stated, to each his or her own however, there seems to be a growing problem among "our black men" (are they really ours anymore?). When you shut out your own and make incessant excuses as to why black women are not "datable", it's outright disturbing. Toronto is NOTORIOUS for "jungle fever". If you happen to be interested in a black man, you have to actually find out if they're interested in their own.
    I've heard time and time again that black women have attitudes, they're only good for love making, they're disconnected from their feelings, they don't know how to treat a man, etc. It's downright insulting and upsetting. For centuries, the black women has been at the bottom of the totem pole; taboo to date or marry. Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of successful white men with black women relationships but it's "new" to the world.
    I've been on dates with white men who I initially thought were decent until they uttered the unimaginable: "I've always wondered what it would be like to be with a black woman" or "I've always wanted to try it". How history has a way of repeating itself! (further understanding: Venus d'Hottentut)
    So am I an angry black woman living in this concrete jungle? Nope. I'm hurt. Hurt that after struggling for hundreds of years equal rights, for both black men and women, we've "turned" away from each other but most importantly, history has a way of repeating itself. Some things will just never change!
    Thx for the read :-)

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