Unsolicited Recommendations for Finding and Dating a [Black] Man [in Toronto] [Over Forty]

Disclaimer: I write stories for fun. As a composer of fiction, I study, interpret, and predict behaviour purely for my own entertainment. I am not a licensed therapist, researcher, psychologist, or relationship expert, buuuut I am someone who observes patterns and personalities very closely, and I'd like to share these words of support with my brothers and sisters in The Six (or beyond) who are currently looking for love. Particularly my peers, approaching middle-age and getting worried...

This is written with the most genuine, and well-intended sentiments...with a sprinkle of tough love (that may or may not have stopped my single friends from asking for my advice)...and hope and prayers for your dream come true.

My novel "Bonafide" is centered on the dating process, and will be released later this year...this book inspired these thoughts.

1) ELIMINATE THAT LIST OF EXPECTATIONS YOU'VE BEEN HOLDING ON TO SINCE YOUR TWENTIES

Go into this process with a clear and open mind! The minute you start putting restrictions on your search, you will immediately start to potentially close off the 1 or 2 people who are actually the best fit for you. You might think you know exactly what you want to make you happy, but truth be told...until you actually find it you don't actually have any confirmation that is true. It's not even about "settling"...it's about being receptive to the individual and not their status or titles. For example, if you haven't already, consider accepting a man that may have children, be divorced, does not meet your previous educational standard, may have a criminal record, or doesn't have the specific physical features you prefer, etc. Again, this is not about dating below your worth or not recognizing your own value, it's about being open to get to know good people...regardless of their signifiers. Allow yourself to get to the soul of a man...undistracted.

2) LOOK IN THE MIRROR, CLOSELY

Re-evaluate your own strengths...and flaws that you have been nurturing independently since adolescence and beyond. One thing a partner does is highlight these for you...if you're still single, you're more likely to stand firmly in your behaviours (good and bad) without being checked.

Take an honest and objective look at yourself and immediately start to uncover and get to the bottom of your own insecurities, fears, and traumas. Yes, the people's sons will also come at your with baggage and flaws...but the beauty about life is that you can work them out together.

No one will arrive on your doorstep fully woke and evolved, and fine-tuned to meet your needs...nor can you expect to be the consummate partner upon arrival either. It's all a work in progress. Constantly. The sooner you recognize these traumas (as painful and difficult as this process will be), the better you will be as a person annnnd the easier you will be to get along with and build a relationship with. This step is very important because the easiest way to find a good relationship is to establish an excellent relationship with yourself, and establish realistic expectations of self-growth, development, and awareness.

Be solid in your approach and standards where progress is concerned. I'm not saying you have to find and build a flawed man, I'm just saying...be realistic about life, and accept that we are all works in progress and we are all developing. Constantly. Find someone who is developing at a comfortable speed. And as long as you are comfortable with your own choices and behaviors, then it will be easier to accept others who are on a similar journey.

3) ACCEPT THE BLIND DATES AND HOOK UPS! ALL OF THEM!

Don't pre-screen the offers from your friends and family members to connect you with other single folks. Chances are, they see something in both of you that you probably can't see from your perspective. Say yes! Go out, have conversation, and practice your dating skills if nothing else. Have a meal. Explore new ideas...and go your separate ways, if anything. At best, you may make a new friend! But never pass up the opportunity to connect to someone new...if people offer to hook you up, don't be difficult: just say yes!

Sometimes you have friends and acquaintances who can recognize qualities in both parties because they have known them for an extended period. For example, if I know a man for 10 years and I know a woman for 10 years...and by getting to know them both on a level and going through the hard work of friendship I recognize that they have commonalities in their shared passions (that are maybe not visible in early encounters)...then trust me, and at least give it a try!

Not all set ups or blind dates are going to be a disaster. At best, it will give you practice in your dating approach, dating conversation skills, and will also give you exposure to other singles to hear their stories and form other observations about the dating process at this age. Learn and grown...but don't shut it down before it even begins. How can you judge someone you literally haven't even spoken to or met yet?

4) STOP USING MOVIES AND STRATEGICALLY CURATED INSTAGRAM POSTS AS YOUR GUIDE

We don't need to go through the list of examples that are detrimental to our belief systems, but from celebrities to movie characters, there are always beautiful pictures painted of relationships. Anybody that is in a relationship will tell you that all of that stuff is irrelevant and actually inconsequential when it comes to starting building and sustaining a legitimate long lasting relationship.

What you see in photos and films are usually representative of the highest of highest of highs...and those super duper highs (like anything in life) are few and far between. Far between and should not be the standard by which you judge your feelings. Don't let those fictional warm and fuzzies make you feel extra cold and dry.

Yes, relationships feel good. Yes, the romance and picture-perfect moments are definitely possible. But on the flip side...there's hard work behind those highs, and you have to be willing to walk and build through the mundane/less attractive moments to get to them, sometimes.

5) BUTTERFLIES AND PHYSICAL ATTRACTION ARE NOT ALWAYS GREAT METRICS

Try not to use physical attraction and instant romance as your core tool for measuring a mate's potential. Everybody is looking for the warm and fuzzies, the butterflies in the stomach, and the hot and sexy partner that you can't take your hands off of. For sure, we all want to feel excited by our partner.

But truth be told, while all of that is certainly enjoyable, attainable, and something to look forward to, it is near impossible to build an entire relationship based on physical attraction alone. It might be super fun...but anybody that has access to multiple partners of a high physical value will tell you that that is really not even remotely close to being a key factor in relationship to sustainability. It's like, a bonus.

By all means, we all have our preferences and attributes we are naturally attracted to...but in my opinion, it ranks a lot lower on the list of long term requirements. Don't get me wrong...it's on the list still, but doesn't weigh as heavily.

6) PRACTICE! (YES, I'M TALKING ABOUT DATING PRACTICE)

Get some practice in dating conversation and engagement with the opposite sex. You can do this safely in many ways. You can do this through commenting and interacting casually on social media platforms. There are ample opportunities to strike up conversations, see what approaches resonate (and with whom), and also to get to know other people... who might eventually lead to you meeting your partner.

Your search doesn't have to be exclusive to the individual; your search might be for the individual's best friend, the individual's brother, or the individual's neighbor. If you put yourself in new situations where you can expose your mentality, your thought processes, and beliefs to new folks, you are more likely to attract somebody that can potentially even refer you to the love of your life. Harmless, and no manipulation required.

7) LOOK OUTSIDE OF TORONTO FOR SAID PRACTICE

If you're trying a dating app...try another city for a few weeks. This is a great way, again, to have innocent conversations under the guise of wanting to date and form a relationship...but with little to no commitment because you're not in the same town. Harmless! By no means am I suggesting that you deceive or lead anyone on. However, just say (for example), you are planning a trip to Detroit...why not look in the dating apps in Detroit and strike up friendships with eligible bachelors there? Let them know that you are exploring work opportunities, or travel potential, and just want to connect with some locals. This way you can get to know other single men, have conversations with them, learn about a new city, and again explore your approach, monitor and evaluate your expectations, and test the waters. Maybe your next partner isn't in Toronto after all!

8) ASK AROUND...NO ONE WILL JUDGE YOU

Usually when people know a really good single person, they are happy to refer them to another really good single person. Don't be afraid to ask your network if they know any eligible bachelors that they could casually connect you to. Usually the good single people will not mind this, and if they are single and looking, they are also not going to mind the opportunity to form a relationship.

You can ask neighbours, co-workers, old friends on your Facebook list (why not?), and other acquaintances. Believe me, folks will be happy to refer you to another great person they know! Put your pride aside, and welcome the opportunity...no one will judge you for wanting love and a connection--it's a human need we can all relate to.

9) STAY YOUNG AT HEART

You may be over forty, but you are never too old to find love. And if you're under forty and looking...I'm sure a lot of this can apply to you as well. Please remember this. When you are out there looking, do not let your age be a limiting factor. People can connect at any age and people can fall in love at any age, marry, or have thriving relationships at any age.

Don't think that fresh love connections are reserved for people in their twenties or reproductive years. This is not a time limited process, so don't be discouraged. This is a lifetime process, so don't give up. Don't get so set and comfortable in your singlehood that you forget to LIVE!

10) SEEK HONEST ADVICE FROM FRIENDS IN RELATIONSHIPS

Ask your friends or family who are in healthy relationships if they can offer you 1 or 2 key pieces of advice that helped them to meet their significant other. You will probably be surprised that their origin story is not like the origin story you have formulated in your mind about falling in love. Ask them what qualities they were looking for (and if they had a checklist at the time), and again you may find that they were even surprised with their connection.

The more references you can get to this thought process is the more you will realize that finding someone is not as strategic or sequential as you may think. They will most likely let you know about all of the challenges that they had to overcome to get where they are. It's not about compromise, or lowering standards or "settling" for something less than what you deserve. It's about being realistic about human nature, human connection, and the job that building and sustaining a relationship actually is. Nothing comes easy...it's all a process.

11) REFRESH YOUR EXPECTATIONS

I will stress again that you need to remove your "list," with multiple degrees and six figures, three properties, Lexus, Bimmers and Benz...and all these things. Disregard all of the external features that you "believe" are the key to a good relationship, and compatibility, and remember that the most important thing is that you see somebody's soul for who they are. Period.

It's important that you bring about value and joy to their life and make them a better person...and that they also make you a better person inside (not financially, not through expensive dinner trips, or fancy designer purses) but that they make you a better person because they believe in you and they also understand you as a person. Isn't that more important?

Remember, relationships are for life enhancement, so although you are single (and probably feeling lonely, or even possibly hopeless about the situation), just remember that everybody can make a connection and it doesn't have to be a once-in-a-lifetime-soul-mate type of thing. It is quite possible for you to have deep connections with various people, so do not close yourself off to opportunities! Even if they are less than perfect (or possibly temporary), you can always find or learn something great from people...even the guys that are jerks! Even the guys that are cheap! Even the guys that have children, or babymamas, or have divorces, or other pieces to their dating history. Every experience will teach you something...even if it's something to avoid!

We are all works in progress. Remember to go in to the process judgment free, and know that each person has the potential to be exactly who you need them to be.

Take a deep breath, enjoy the process, and I hope these words have resonated in some way, and that you might gain even a fraction of new insight about a particular process in your game plan.

Written by SM Robinson for Kya Publishing's "Reflection and Reason" blog.