Unsolicited Recommendations for Finding and Dating a [Black] Man [in Toronto] [Over Forty]
Disclaimer: I write stories for fun. As a composer of fiction, I study, interpret, and predict behaviour purely for my own entertainment. I am not a licensed therapist, researcher, psychologist, or relationship expert, buuuut I am someone who observes patterns and personalities very closely, and I'd like to share these words of support with my brothers and sisters in The Six (or beyond) who are currently looking for love. Particularly my peers, approaching middle-age and getting worried...
My novel "Bonafide" is centered on the dating process, and will be released later this year...this book inspired these thoughts.
1) ELIMINATE THAT LIST OF EXPECTATIONS YOU'VE BEEN HOLDING ON TO SINCE YOUR TWENTIES
Go into this process with a clear and open mind! The minute you start putting restrictions on your search, you will immediately start to potentially close off the 1 or 2 people who are actually the best fit for you. You might think you know exactly what you want to make you happy, but truth be told...until you actually find it you don't actually have any confirmation that is true. It's not even about "settling"...it's about being receptive to the individual and not their status or titles. For example, if you haven't already, consider accepting a man that may have children, be divorced, does not meet your previous educational standard, may have a criminal record, or doesn't have the specific physical features you prefer, etc. Again, this is not about dating below your worth or not recognizing your own value, it's about being open to get to know good people...regardless of their signifiers. Allow yourself to get to the soul of a man...undistracted.2) LOOK IN THE MIRROR, CLOSELY
Re-evaluate your own strengths...and flaws that you have been nurturing independently since adolescence and beyond. One thing a partner does is highlight these for you...if you're still single, you're more likely to stand firmly in your behaviours (good and bad) without being checked.3) ACCEPT THE BLIND DATES AND HOOK UPS! ALL OF THEM!
Don't pre-screen the offers from your friends and family members to connect you with other single folks. Chances are, they see something in both of you that you probably can't see from your perspective. Say yes! Go out, have conversation, and practice your dating skills if nothing else. Have a meal. Explore new ideas...and go your separate ways, if anything. At best, you may make a new friend! But never pass up the opportunity to connect to someone new...if people offer to hook you up, don't be difficult: just say yes!4) STOP USING MOVIES AND STRATEGICALLY CURATED INSTAGRAM POSTS AS YOUR GUIDE
We don't need to go through the list of examples that are detrimental to our belief systems, but from celebrities to movie characters, there are always beautiful pictures painted of relationships. Anybody that is in a relationship will tell you that all of that stuff is irrelevant and actually inconsequential when it comes to starting building and sustaining a legitimate long lasting relationship.5) BUTTERFLIES AND PHYSICAL ATTRACTION ARE NOT ALWAYS GREAT METRICS
Try not to use physical attraction and instant romance as your core tool for measuring a mate's potential. Everybody is looking for the warm and fuzzies, the butterflies in the stomach, and the hot and sexy partner that you can't take your hands off of. For sure, we all want to feel excited by our partner.6) PRACTICE! (YES, I'M TALKING ABOUT DATING PRACTICE)
Get some practice in dating conversation and engagement with the opposite sex. You can do this safely in many ways. You can do this through commenting and interacting casually on social media platforms. There are ample opportunities to strike up conversations, see what approaches resonate (and with whom), and also to get to know other people... who might eventually lead to you meeting your partner.7) LOOK OUTSIDE OF TORONTO FOR SAID PRACTICE
If you're trying a dating app...try another city for a few weeks. This is a great way, again, to have innocent conversations under the guise of wanting to date and form a relationship...but with little to no commitment because you're not in the same town. Harmless! By no means am I suggesting that you deceive or lead anyone on. However, just say (for example), you are planning a trip to Detroit...why not look in the dating apps in Detroit and strike up friendships with eligible bachelors there? Let them know that you are exploring work opportunities, or travel potential, and just want to connect with some locals. This way you can get to know other single men, have conversations with them, learn about a new city, and again explore your approach, monitor and evaluate your expectations, and test the waters. Maybe your next partner isn't in Toronto after all!8) ASK AROUND...NO ONE WILL JUDGE YOU
Usually when people know a really good single person, they are happy to refer them to another really good single person. Don't be afraid to ask your network if they know any eligible bachelors that they could casually connect you to. Usually the good single people will not mind this, and if they are single and looking, they are also not going to mind the opportunity to form a relationship.9) STAY YOUNG AT HEART
You may be over forty, but you are never too old to find love. And if you're under forty and looking...I'm sure a lot of this can apply to you as well. Please remember this. When you are out there looking, do not let your age be a limiting factor. People can connect at any age and people can fall in love at any age, marry, or have thriving relationships at any age.10) SEEK HONEST ADVICE FROM FRIENDS IN RELATIONSHIPS
Ask your friends or family who are in healthy relationships if they can offer you 1 or 2 key pieces of advice that helped them to meet their significant other. You will probably be surprised that their origin story is not like the origin story you have formulated in your mind about falling in love. Ask them what qualities they were looking for (and if they had a checklist at the time), and again you may find that they were even surprised with their connection.11) REFRESH YOUR EXPECTATIONS
I will stress again that you need to remove your "list," with multiple degrees and six figures, three properties, Lexus, Bimmers and Benz...and all these things. Disregard all of the external features that you "believe" are the key to a good relationship, and compatibility, and remember that the most important thing is that you see somebody's soul for who they are. Period.It's important that you bring about value and joy to their life and make them a better person...and that they also make you a better person inside (not financially, not through expensive dinner trips, or fancy designer purses) but that they make you a better person because they believe in you and they also understand you as a person. Isn't that more important?
We are all works in progress. Remember to go in to the process judgment free, and know that each person has the potential to be exactly who you need them to be.
Take a deep breath, enjoy the process, and I hope these words have resonated in some way, and that you might gain even a fraction of new insight about a particular process in your game plan.
Written by SM Robinson for Kya Publishing's "Reflection and Reason" blog.
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